Journal
by saye0036
Summary: James Bond's journals from his early days at MI6 to Spectre. Warning: Language and spoilers for Spectre


I have done this in Journal style, and therefore punctuation is not always used.

As if the writer is in a rush, or just bloody well doesn't care.

Dear diary,

this is how you are suppose to start these aren't you? Or is that only for teenage girls?

Dear Journal….number...1.

Journal entry one: May 31st 2005.

Today was another day at the office.

There is a rumour that there are a few spots opening in the double 0 section. I plan on going for it. I have nothing to lose but my life.

The rewards are special treatment, travel, adventure, women and dealing with brow beatings from the top if I fail.

I have to impress M and she's one tough lady. I've seen her chastise others enough to be wary. I have only been in her line of vision a few times.

Her Chief of staff deals with us lowly agents. M deals with the 00 agents.

Therefore, I am trying to impress the un-impressible older woman, who's tough as nails and a right awful bitch according to most.

I should be able to charm her. If I can get close enough, to make her see what a great asset I can be.

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January 3rd 2006

Journal entry two: There is no rhyme or reason in sequence...if I remember I will write if not...gaps occur.

I just hope when I look back on this the gaps make sense. Memories are strange that way.

My last mission was a complete success. I have been called into M's office for a new mission. I hope this is it. I hope I've managed to become a double O.

I picked up a sexy brunette at a hotel bar and enjoyed myself...not enough to spend the night. I booked out to catch a few hours sleep before meeting with M.

Christ that woman's eyes…

She tore me a new one for the way I handled the case. I tried to protest but she disarmed me at every chance I took to defend my actions.

BITCH!

I hit the gym and boxed the instructor until he collapsed.

I hit a different hotel bar and found a cute little blonde who took me back to her flat. She lives far from work so I left by three.

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January 13th 2006

Entry 3:

I have a new case.

The bitch is giving me another chance.

I woke up sweating and panting...severely aroused. In my disorientation I reach for the small blond woman.

I went home. Now I remember, I'm in my bed.

In the dream a small woman's familiar blue eyes pierced into me and I want her...

I get this down on paper as soon as I could.

The dream is unsettling. It lingers in my mind and I can't shake this feeling.

I feel it in the pit, the big one forming in my stomach.

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Feb. 10th 2006

My first kill. It didn't feel like I thought it would.

M was in my ear, as she spurred me into action.

It would be nice if she could congratulate, rather than ride my ass continuously.

Back at the hotel, I pick up a Russian woman with large breasts and a deep throaty laugh.

I disappeared grabbing a plane back to London, while the woman still slept in my hotel bed.

The only good relationships are short and passionate.

Bill Tanner said M's married. I have to admit that does shocks me.

What kind of man must the husband be? I am going to ask Tanner about it over pints later.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Next day: Two days in a row will not often happen, but last evening was enlightening.

Bill gets really talkative when he drinks. I tried to pick a girl out for him and help him along but he was too involved with talking about M. That woman has him on tenterhooks and I don't know if it's sexual or just awe. But it's an eye opener.

M is married. To a professor, with two children, she has been in the service since the 70's and worked her way up the ladder.

Tanner was belligerent and shocked when I insinuated that she slept her way to the top.

I knew it wasn't true but I was goading him. Prying him for information. I think what I really want to know is if M has extra curricular relationships.

An open marriage.

Tanner is not sleeping with her and he doesn't think she fucks around, and he would know.

That makes me feel strangely happy but at the same time…

I don't know?

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June 6th 2006

Fuck that bitch! How dare she fake…

I was a dolt!

I was sucked in, smart beautiful and snarky. Vesper was a young version of…

She did save my life in the car.

I suppose I should be grateful. She didn't love me enough to stay.

They never do.

XXXXXXXXXXX

October 30th 2006

I shouldn't write when I'm drunk…

It's been another year. They have been dead for over 30.

She left me. They all leave me.

So I will try to always leave them first.

None of them really matter.

Not even Vesper. None but…

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November 30th

I tracked that asshole down in Russia. The bastard was doing the same shit to a Canadian agent.

I wanted to strangle the bastard but in the end the bitch wasn't worth it. She was definitely not worth my career.

Fucking M herself followed me to Russia!

I toss the necklace in the cold Russian snow to prove a point to my stalwart boss.

M is beginning to treat me like I'm her bloody son who needs words of wisdom and sage advice.

I know she was following me to give me important information about what she found out. About this shady organization Vesper got tangled in to save that ass.

And to see if I would kill the bastard. I knew she wanted him for questioning. M wants to know if she has any control over me at all.

She looked…

M looked at me in fucking pity!

Tried to convince me that Vesper sacrificed herself for me.

M thinks I still hurt from losing that traitorous bitch!

She doesn't understand that Vesper's betrayal overrode even the fleeting illusion of love I had.

I forgot her a week after I yanked her water logged body out of that building.

The women I can't forget are…

Powerful...they have power over me. Damn it I didn't want this to be a mommy thing!

If anyone ever reads this.

I never intended to feel this way. To be drawn to someone like this.

She is never far from my thoughts. M in her luxury flat with her husband and her perfect fucking life!

Husband to come home to.

He likely makes her dinner and rubs her feet as they relax in front of the bloody telly!

Why does she have to smell so good and look so angelic in the streetlights glow, snow on her silver, white hair and dark jacket.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

2006

Shit I was drunk last night…

I just read the entry.

M is...

She is someone…

Shit!

Admires sounds right and a little underwhelming in reality but I envy her. Why am I acting like I have to write this just to justify my feelings?

I don't think anyone will ever read this other than me.

This is beginning to look like a lovesick teen's journal not mine.

I kill for a living on her bloody order!

If that is not the most fucked up relationship in the history of male female relationships, I don't know what is.

I ask Tanner over pints again, how he can work for the "old battle axe."

I don't really think of her as old but...I know most naysayers refer to her as that at work.

Tanner slurred that M's. "the sexy mother figure that the agents call a bitch."

He is of the opinion that these same agents, go home and have a good hard wank thinking about her.

Christ he's right. I've done it more than I want to admit.

I've yelled her name.

Her code name.

Into another woman's ear on more than a dozen occasions. Even with Vesper.

I can't help but flirt with her. Maybe she's tired of the old man and will ask me to bed. The flash in her eyes when I do ply her with double entendres leaves me breathless and weak in the knees.

M intrigues me more and more.

I actually look forward to the dressing downs and the late night calls from London when I'm in the field.

It makes me feel connected to her, like she may even miss me when I'm gone.

I'm amused and spurred on by Bill's reaction at times. Tanner's mouth bloody well hangs open when I flirt with her in front of him.

Christ that woman's eyes make me want to know what she sounds like when I make her…

XXXXXXXX

July 2007

Car chases…I caught that bastard White!

Damn it!

Mitchell tried to kill M!

I made damn sure he died for his attempt.

Who is trying to kill M?

This is bigger than I imagined and she may know who is involved. If she would bloody well trust me enough to track them down!

But no.

The bitch cuts me off from the company purse so I have to use Mathis.

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Still July 2007

Mathis was the traitor along with Vesper. His last words were implying that I still had feelings for the bitch to begin with. Mathis and M both think I am pinning away in hate filled revenge for bloody Vesper, but they are wrong.

The hot ginger died and that pissed M off.

I wonder if M's mad because I bedded her just because she was there?

Maybe M wants me? That would not be unheard of. But she would not hold back her attraction to me this long, would she?

She is not the type of woman to hold back.

M is spitting mad.

Tanner is silent and she tries to insult me. Question my fling with the ginger as if she is jealous.

If Tanner wasn't in the room…

I would have proven she had no reason to ever be jealous of any woman, ever.

Then she pissed me off again! M can set me off faster than any woman I've ever met.

M's bodyguard of 7 years tries to kill her. On orders from some shady agency run by Greene and his like.

They have "people everywhere", according to that asshole White, who's still in the bloody wind.

Vesper, Mathis, White and Haines in the home office, M's in fucking danger for what she does or what she knows but is tight lipped about sharing.

I disable her pathetic guards and find her walking the corridors ALONE!

I tell her I need, no we need to see this through!

She agrees but obviously needs to make it look like she doesn't.

I lean in close to her and she's shows…

Not fear, but maybe, just maybe, dismay at my actions.

I add a bit about commending Strawberry Fields for helping me, and I meant it. That woman did more than service me physically.

I was so close to M.

The smell of her perfume.

The two of us suddenly alone in this hallway.

I could pin her up against the marble pillar and kiss her but there's no time.

XXXXXXXXXXX

August 2007

Water not oil. The CIA is full of assholes, except for Felix.

And I want her.

There I said it.

I want a woman old enough to have dated my father.

I refuse to refer to her, or compare her to my mother.

Mainly because I want to bury my face in her neck as I arrive calling out her name in passion.

Not M, her real name. OLIVIA!

I watch her house.

After a few days I decide to push my luck.

I enjoyed a pint with her husband and his brother tonight.

I followed them to the neighbourhood pub and got them talking.

One thing led to another and they began talking about her.

The brother-in-law jokes about her and I'm not falling for it. That man wants her and Dr. Mansfield tenses at his brothers remark.

It's my job to observe things, these cues and if these men were marks, I would use the woman in question.

This is what I do. I would use the wife to insight mayhem between them.

Nigel knows about his brother's desire but what can he do? It's his own bloody brother.

I want to hit him the way he talks about M as if she is just the sexy wife of an academic who happens to be his sister-in-law. A woman to be objectified, on all those family beach vacations.

That is not my M.

Christ I wonder if there are photos. Next time I break into their flat I will look.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sept 2008

I fucked up!

If M ever finds out she will not only kill me but she will never become what I want her to be.

What I need her to be.

Of all the women in all the hotel bars.

Damn it all!

I was drunk. Big surprise there.

It was a moment of weakness and she came onto me!

She looks like M...sounds like M and even smells like her.

The guilt is intense. I have never felt such guilt about sex before. But for this I do.

M will find out. She will know.

Eventually those deep blue eyes will pierce my soul and she will know that I slept with her daughter.

It was a one off. No matter how much I enjoyed my time in Judi's arms.

I will remember it fondly.

Judi may be the closest I ever come to having M.

She's married.

Just like her mother.

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August 2009

Nigel died and M withdrew. It's not like she had to go far to withdraw. She is the most controlled, controlling person I've ever met.

I've barely managed to entice much more than a smile and a nod of the head.

Like a love sick puppy my heart soared when she did something as simple as that.

I am so damaged.

After a couple of months of widowhood, I ask her out for dinner.

She laughed at me like the idea was absurd.

I picked up two women after I left her office and screwed them at the same time.

Then I drunk called Judi.

Fuck.

M has me twisted in knots.

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August 2009 The next day: This is easier if I just manage the month. My days bloody well all merge into one while on the job anyway.

I'm an idiot for falling for her.

I will move on. Sure I will. A shrink will have a hayday with the fact that I lie to myself in my own bloody journal.

I will be the best 00 agent she has ever seen. I will not let her ignore me.

Eventually M will see through it all.

The womanizing, the alcohol, the flirting.

She will see the truth in me and then...

Until then.

I will watch over her when I can.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I just read over these journals the I have jotted down notes in over the last couple of years and I have come to the conclusion that writing about unrequited love is sad and counter productive.

I love the job too much to get fired for eventually snapping and kissing that woman like she has never been kissed before.

Although it would be amusing to see the shocked look on her face.

I will continue to wallow in my ironic job of trying to do this job for the acceptance of a woman I am in love with, but too bloody terrified of to do anything about.

I kill people for a living but telling M how I feel about her is too much.

Impossible.

I think I am giving this up.

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June 2010

I never thought I would write in this again but I wanted too today for some reason.

I am working hard and she and I have an understanding of sorts. I am the one she uses for all the really bad thing.

She told me this.

Today, this very day.

And shocked the bloody hell out of me by saying it is because I always manage the job and come back. I am her best and she admits it. Perhaps the queen of ice and numbers has a heart after all.

I will alway come back to her.

I think she is dating. It has been over a year and Tanner made an offhand comment about it.

Fuck!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

August 2012

I picked up this journal at a market place in Turkey. I haven't written in one in a while. I wonder once she thinks I'm dead if she will read the others, the early ones where I mention her all the bloody time.

I would love to see her mouth hang open in shock, when she reads that I broke into her house. More than that once, that I let her catch me all there all that time ago.

To show her how far I would go. What I would do for her.

What I want to do to her.

My first mission.

Or, will it be the shock of reading that I bedded her daughter?

All because she was the closest I could get to her.

TAKE THE FUCKING SHOT!

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2 weeks on the beach.

Bitch!

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Entry I fucking don't know the bloody date! Whatever! It has been 3 weeks on this stinking beach.

Lily or whatever the hell her name is let's me take her up against the wall.

M would never, ever, or would she have?

I can't sleep.

Pills.

Booze.

Scorpions.

No fear, until…

CNN.

Explosion, MI6 London.

OH DEAR GOD NO!

Heart clenching, FEAR.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Date sometime in late September...

I'm writing this on the ride back. I need to see her.

Christ she looks like a little old lady.

A fucking widow in mourning, again.

She still smells the same though, and she kicks me out as I expected. The bitch!

I know she feels slightly threatened by me here, in her space.

I can tell by the way she pulls herself to her full, but tiny height.

When it comes to her, I can still see the cues through the haze of painkillers and booze.

M has excellent taste in Scotch.

I've never come that close to forcibly kissing her.

I'm panting in fucking want!

Scruffy and stinking.

I know...I know.

Christ...I'm so strung out.

I wonder how she would have tasted as I lie here in an ugly hotel.

Still wishing she had let me stay.

M is disgusted with me.

Shit. I can never be good enough.

I fucking still want her!

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October

I will find this other shadowy bastard that wants to torment and kill her.

Christ! Tanner and I are the only ones on the planet that are trying to keep her alive.

Tanner knows, or at least suspects.

He loves her too.

Mallory is her replacement. M is going down and there is nothing I can do to save her career.

M knows something more than she is letting on. I see a flash of unsteadiness behind her eyes as something crawls up from her past.

Someone is trying to dismantle 6 and they are starting with cutting off the most important part. The head.

Not on my watch.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

China.

Well, now I know what has crawled up from her past.

Silva.

This bastard is insane.

He loved her once.

Christ.

He is me! He even jokes about it!

A warped reflection of me. One who did not make it out, once.

Why now?

He can't have just been planning this for over 15 bloody years! He could have come after her sooner.

Unless someone directed him to the fact that Olivia Mansfield, the boss he wanted to screw, didn't die and disappear, but becomes someone new.

Olivia, Silva's supervisor from station H became **my M**.

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The car ride we spoke of nothing much. It is the longest I've ever been in her presence but there is such a cloud hanging over us.

She slept and I watched her while I drove to the place I never thought I would go again.

I found peace in glancing at her sleeping.

Would she look like this in my arms? Would she feel safe enough to find sleep?

M is prepare to die in Scotland and I need her to fight.

I should tell her how I really feel.

But if I do that she will die like all the others.

After Silva's dead.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Smoke, ash and Death.

Surround me like a cape.

FUCK! WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL ME!

That stupid bastard's hired gun took her out.

The most important person in my life and she drained away on the bloody moors of home!

All the while an unknowing Kincade dragged her all the way to the kirk.

I'm done.

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It's been weeks. Maybe months. I don't bloody well know.

I remember things from the funeral.

The way Judi's eyes flashed at me once she saw me and understood.

She handed me her key card at the same time she slapped my face.

Most observers will think it is because I failed to save her mother. That is only half of it.

That night she hits me again and again, and I let her.

She screams at me, and I let her.

We collapse in tears, and inevitably have passionate sex on the floor of her hotel room.

She now knows why her mother was the way she was all her life, and why I continued to call after our one off.

We don't sleep that night.

I have never had sex that much ever.

We are both trying desperately to feel anything but the numbness. The anger and grief for what could have been shared. Between mother and daughter and between M and me.

The last thing she says to me as I walk out the door.

"I know you are really fucking her, when you fuck me. That is what this has always been about. I'm not mad anymore. I'm using you as my last connexion with a woman I barely knew."

The image of Judi staring at him naked and propped up against the headboard will last a long time.

Her fucking eyes are the same and I almost come back to her.

I almost get dragged back into the fantasy of what she could have been…

Then she scowls at me and says.

"You should have asked her you know. She likely would have said yes, to you."

I want to die again.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Too long, she's been gone too long out of my life already.

Whoever wanted her dead succeeded and Jack, the bulldog stares at me in my flat as if daring me to do something about it.

I think I would rather drink myself to death.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Nov 5. 2014. How does it go again... _Remember, remember!_

 _The fifth of November,_

 _The Gunpowder treason and plot;_

 _I know of no reason_

 _Why the Gunpowder treason_

 _Should ever be forgot!_

 _Guy Fawkes and his companions_

 _Did the scheme contrive,_

 _To blow the King and Parliament_

 _All up alive._

My past and her past keep coming back to kick my ass.

She left me a video with instructions. I would like to think she added an I love you to the mix but as usual, M was a busy woman.

I don't think I was even back from that damn beach when she made this video. M wasn't even sure if I had survived, or was she and she just let me stew in my own drunkenness on that beach for 4 months.

Silva was on her tail and she new it, but told no one.

M didn't want to say that a man who, was obviously sexually attracted to her, was driven insane by what she did.

And that same insane bastard, Tiago, or Silva, whoever he bloody well was, wanted to either fuck her or kill her.

He was me. But I still live. The last rat.

Silva had plenty of time to kill her and couldn't pull the trigger.

The insulted look on his face when the knife was in his back.

For a joyus second I thought I won.

This bloody replays in my head more than alcohol can ever erase.

I cannot remember the sound of my own mother's voice.

I cannot get what she said out of my head.

"At least I did get one thing right."

XXXXXXX

Nov.6 2014

I sit drinking again. In my new flat alone with Jack, I am waiting to see if Eve will come as I asked.

I stare down at the remote control looking at the worn button. It hurts just as much as Jack but I press it anyway. Two bloody years.

I should be dead by now.

I need to cue up the part I need to justify Mexico City to Eve. It took a few years to track down M's mark, the link I need to follow.

Let at least one person will understand why I did what I did. And who the hell I did it for.

The video is several minutes long but the part about Sciarra is only a few seconds.

This is the only disk that I ever watch.

It's not healthy I know this.

In my mind I try to imagine she planned it all.

Faked her own death to enjoy retirement somewhere warm and full of sunshine. That someday another dvd will appear in the mail.

Part of my video of her is her sitting reflectively trying to come up with words.

Words about carrying on the good fight and, or getting the hell out so that I can actually have a life.

M knew I would blame myself and she ordered me not too, and to live.

I don't think she new about Judi. Could I have possible gotten one over on her?

In her own way M may have been telling me she loved me too. I really doubt 005 got a copy.

She didn't look scared.

She looked determined.

I watch and watch. sound on. sound off.

The first day it played on a continuous loop for 18 hours just to hear her voice in the lonely prison of my flat.

This place will never feel like home. I haven't ever unpacked.

I didn't expect to continue living.

The way she sits, the tilt of her head. M could alway convey a great deal with her eyes and her body language.

The way she fumbles trying to turn on and then off the laptop's camera.

She is at her flat.

It is a very up close and personal view of her. I have on occasion sat so I can touch her face on the screen.

The touch of the cold glass takes me back to Skyfall and the cold stone floor of the family kirk. My wet cold skin touching her face as it too cooled to the touch.

As her life left her...and me.

The wetness on my cheeks surprises me still.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A week later:

I came face to face with that bastard White again and he is dying with no help from me.

That is not entirely true, it was my bullet I just didn't pull the trigger.

I want answers.

M sent me for answers and I will not fail her again.

Of course he has a beautiful smart daughter he is protecting. Bond knows this routine well.

She hates daddy and all the bad he did. So did I.

White should have been dead years ago. For what he tried to do, and possibly what he did manage to do involving M and her murder.

We found the hotel's secret room.

White had Vesper tortured. I paused when I looked down at the video cassette, but tossed it away.

Damn it if she doesn't remind him of Vesper on this train to bloody nowhere. She is a beautiful woman, and smart. But is she smart enough?

Madeleine helped me kill the muscle bound attacker.

She knows how to handle herself but she is as much as a victim of the cruelties of this life as I am.

She does have spunk, I will give her that. But just like Vesper, all her protests against me were moot, the second we had a near death experience.

M and I were in several near death experience but this never happened.

She never grabbed me by the tie and started pushing off my jacket in heated passion.

M never sighed in my ear. She never kissed me at all.

I kissed her cold forehead. Tears running hot down my ice cold face. I remember that sensation constantly.

The drink does not help me forget it.

Women don't help me forget it.

Madeleine will not really help me forget it but she may ease the ache for a time.

Madeleine does not want to be in this world of assassins.

We will not last but I will do my damndest to keep her alive. I will not let another one die if I can help it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Fucking Franz! He was always a jealous bastard!

He sent Vesper to her death and he sent fucking Silva after M!

Haven't I bloody well noticed how all the women in my life die.

He referred to her as "my beloved M."

How the hell did he know that!?

I made him stumble for a second when I said that M is not dead. That she sent me on this mission to find him and that she new all the secrets.

Franz panicked for a moment. A half crazed look in his eyes as he calculated if I could be right. If M could be alive?

He thinks I don't know what he is trying to do. This facility is just like the one in the Bolivian desert that Camille and I burnt down and this one will go up just as easily. So many tanks of highly combustible fuels.

Just like Silva he thinks he can seize all the information.

He's dismissing our indomitable Q. That will be his downfall.

That and killing the love of my life.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

November 2014

In the desert she said she loved me and she managed to focus enough to toss Q's watch across the floor.

As predicted the place did go up easily.

Q, Tanner, Eve and M are fighting off C, the smarmy git from MI5.

Madeleine is taken.

I saved her!

Franz is not worth the bullet if I even had one left.

Let them deal with it.

There is technically no 00 section and now MI6 is gone. Blown up and gone like her former master.

I am going to find a beach somewhere to begin my search.

I may never find what I am searching for but the effort will keep me breathing for a while longer.

I will not be writing much until I find something I want to say or if I find what I'm looking for.

It's time for a change.

I go to surprise Q and collect my DB5. The poor man's underground lair is empty and has been wiped clean.

Fucking bureaucrats!

Mallory will look out for them.

I will check in from time to time. Eve, Q and Tanner are the only family I have.

I turn the key in the ignition. I remember that fateful trip to Scotland and drive off to collect Madeleine.

I drive off to begin my search.

Madeleine will leave eventually. Once she realizes who I'm looking for, but will never find.

As a doctor she is too smart not to figure this out, eventually.

I'm a cold hearted bastard, and a killer just like her father.

That will not change, no matter how many time she says what she did. Says that she loves me.

As Franz, my former brother, tried to drill away my memories.

The sound of M's voice reverberated in my head as he drilled into me.

I will not forget.

I refuse.

I will never forget her!

Madeleine said she loved me but I couldn't say it back.

I told Franz the truth. I have better things to do.

There was only one woman that I could ever consider my immortal beloved.

Franz that crazy bastard was right to call her that.

It is what she is, was, will always be.

My beloved M.


End file.
